Sarah Apollonia — Sarah Apollonia

Present Tense

Today, I feel emotional. Today, I took a bath in the pitch dark and only knew I still existed when I held my breath underwater. J says when you get really good at meditating, you can start to connect your feelings to different places inside your body. I thought about rope swinging into the Delaware. The farther you stare down, the more your legs start to shake, your stomach knots itself.. is courage the moment you jump? Where does that sit? Is it the few moments where nothing is in your head, your body and air around it one as you fall? Is that what moves from your gut to your limbs taking flight in the water? Notice- watch it transform into the pride that envelops your being while you sit passenger seat on the way home. Somebody said I should sit with that memory, find where I feel it most. That's your solar plexus yelling, I am! The bliss sits in your heart, you are your heart, your heart is an orchestra when your head goes quiet and that is all peace.

I’m in love with the way peace and adrenaline almost feel the same. Almost. Moments where I can’t feel the presence of self anymore and my senses are all that there is. Moments where thinking is more harmful than good and all I have to do is follow my body. It’s amazing how my body knows how to survive better than my mind does- my thoughts swirl and spin me into states of stagnation. There’s no room for this when I am fully immersed in the slight danger of the world around me. I am fully there and at the same time, not at all. I feel alive. Fear starts to transform from an anxiety pulling me to my bed into something bigger, something rational, something present. The world around me becomes crystal clear- I am my eyes and suddenly I’ve never been so sure of how much I want to live.

But, on the good days, I don’t need that.

Ask me about peace and I’ll tell you it’s when I'm fully present. I’ll tell you about fire towers sitting at the top of mountains and steep hills, the woods at night. I’ll mention seeing bears on the Appalachian trail and gripping onto fast motorcycles. Black diamonds and Philadelphia at night. The first time I feel God in months. Swimming in the river, sunrises. A dinner with friends, watching my friend’s daughter paint a rainbow. Singing, always singing. Taking a bath in the pitch dark. Water, jumping. The nights where I fall asleep easy. The feeling of a warm sun on my face.